BREAKFAST SALAD

We’re both pretty exhausted. In an effort to be the “fun mom” and burn up the last of the 3-day So-Cal Disneyland passes we bought to use this spring, I took Curran there on a date last night. I have to be honest with you, I don't love the long lines and droves of people, but I think Curran had fun and we stayed late to watch the electrical parade. Watching him light up and wave at Mickey made it worth it but it is WORK to take this kid anywhere, let alone when there are two of them. They are both "spirited," as they qualify it in all those parenting books. I’m in a really tough phase with Curran. That's what I am surrendering to at the moment. I know there are seasons of parenting - just when you start to feel like you’ve got it, something or someone changes and you feel like you can’t pull it off again. We have good and bad days, on and off weeks. When we're good, it's so good! I can feel the tension in my body release and Curran and I play pretend with the legos and give each other giggly eskimo kisses. But my fuse is so short when he can't kick the whining or after I’ve repeated a direction for the 12th time. I yell often and say I’m sorry a lot. I have never cared for anything like I do my own children, but they simultaneously can put me on (or past) my last nerve. I've been thinking about why lately. On the rare occasion where I am in the car by myself, I don't listen to music or podcasts, I just enjoy the silence and think. Sometimes it's just mental list making, but the other day I was trying to be my own therapist and reflect on why I get so upset, with Curran especially (I haven't figured anything out, in case you want to jump ahead to the recipe).

We are both pretty persnickety and sensitive. Those things manifest differently in an almost 33 year old and almost 3 year old but the basic framework is the same. We like things how we like them and we get ruffled when our realities don't meet our expectations. I can manage those shortcomings as an adult, but to see them in your own kid is strange. How do I help you brush things off, when I know first hand that feels hard? What I have come up with is that we're both in need of more grace and if my job is anything, it is first to give that to him. I'd love to tell you that I've recognized my imperfections as a parent and am a new woman, or offer an easy 3-step solution to not loosing it on your toddler, but I'd been embarrassed by Curran's behavior the day I started drafting this post and already raised my voice before 7am today so I'm here in process, writing anyway. For the past three years as a mother, I have been responsible for keeping little people alive (Hugh is more than helpful, but this isn't about him). I make sure they are fed somewhat nutritiously, clean them and their messes, change diapers, look into preschools, stay up on the diaper stock, organize activities and time with friends, fumble around discipline, make sure they get the rest they need, take them to the doctors and hold them when they're sick. I scrub poop off the carpet and break up fights and literally save lives from someone running in the street or jumping off the top of a playground.

This job is intense and it is every single day and it is all day long. 

So it is all these tasks that I have (some) control of that make me feel like I am doing an ok job. I take good care of them. I think it's ok for me to say that as much as women don't like to admit they are good at things. But my fuse runs out and I see red when it feels like I've failed at some point: taking someone's toy, not wanting to say hello to people, throwing tantrums when things don't go their way. Their behavior feels like a reflection of who I am as their mother. It feels personal. That all feels like my responsibility, when they are really just figuring out their own humanness. The work I put in, how exhausted I feel, there should be something to show for that right? I have been managing so much for these babies, and I can physically feel the fear of raising an asshole. It's the wrong approach, you don't have to tell me. I watch everything going on in our country right now and as small and guilty as I feel for being a person with privilege, the least I can do is put two more humans in this mess who are kind and empathetic. 

So today, perhaps prepping myself for the backlash of last night's 10:30 bedtime, I'm trying to give us both a break. I can step back and see that Sara and Curran and Cleo are three separate people. My job is to guide them and care for them, but I don't get to choose how they react to everything. My toddler will push another kid at a park and life will go on. They are going to be people sculpted by so many influences and experiences besides me. I make mistakes, I say unkind things, and sometimes cry when things don't go how I'd like them to, so for now, all I can do is apologize when I get upset or yell or expect something better than their hands on approach to growing up. I can only focus on myself trying to be kind and patient and gracious and hope that instead of me telling them to be those things, they'll have experienced them. This job, sweet Jesus, it is not for the weak of heart. 

I've learned to be specific with holiday and birthday requests as Hugh, God bless him, isn't huge on celebrations. This year my birthday and Mothers Day are back to back, and I am hoping to get an extra hour of sleep and not have to make food for anyone all weekend with permissions to change my mind day-of if I so please. I'll take one of these breakfast salads, delivered in bed, please. Then maybe we'll head out for a beach walk and I want to be by myself to take a few deep breaths. There will be tantrums and tears and poop anyway. 

// GIVEAWAY IS CLOSED! Thanks for participating. I do love to hear your answers anyway if you feel so obliged xo //

Stone Cold Fox is offering you lovely readers a 20% off discount code for robes! Just use SPROUTEDFOX at checkout if you'd like to treat yourself to a beautiful silk robe. Don't let my morning frizz bun distract you from the pretty lace. You are doing a great job, so I am giving one away as well. Leave me a comment with something you feel you're doing right as a parent. And if you don't have kids, maybe something you appreciated from your own mother now that you're older. Love you people, and happy Mothers Day to every one of you who are just doing your best. 

BREAKFAST SALAD // Serves 1

This makes enough dressing and croutons for two, but with more assembly than cooking here, I thought writing it for one would make it easier to scale up. I wanted a dish that was easy enough to throw together in the morning without making a whole thing of it. You could make the dressing the night before and honestly it should take you all of 15 minutes if you start first thing with the croutons or even skip them and go for buttered toast instead. 

// vinaigrette //
2 tsp. dijon mustard
1 garlic clove
1 anchovy (optional)
generous pinches of salt and pepper
handful of basil and parsley
1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil

// torn croutons //
day old loaf or baguette, torn into 1"-ish pieces
1 Tbsp. extra virgin olive oil
sea salt

Preheat the oven to 400'. Put the olive oil and bread in a mixing bowl, toss to coat. Sprinkle a few pinches of salt and toss again. Spread on a baking sheet and bake for 10-12 minutes until toasty on the edges. Remove to cool completely. Best the day they are made. 
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2 handfuls tender greens
handful of tomatoes, halved
1/2 an avocado
thinly sliced radish

1 egg, poached or fried

sheeps' milk feta cheese, for serving
sprouts, for serving

In a blender, whiz all of the dressing ingredients together. 
Into your bowl, combine the greens, tomatoes, avocado and radish. Poach or fry your egg and place it on your salad. Drizzle the vinaigrette over everything. 
Top the salad with feta cheese, sprouts, croutons or a buttered slice of toast. 

THE KITCHEN REFRESH

We started demo in our kitchen about a year and a half ago. Our house was built in the early 70's, and while it seemed there had been some updates made at some point in the late 80's / early 90's, the place as a whole had been pretty stagnant for a good 20 years when we moved in. A few things that the previous owners did themselves but we knew we bought a project to make this home feel like us. Budget and time permitting, we will be fixing this place up until we likely die here with a garage full of half empty bags of mortar, partial gallons of unused paint and spare tile pieces. Can you see Hugh rolling his eyes at me through your screen? The goal was to not completely start from scratch but more to spruce up what already existed. Of course, when you're just talking about renovation plans it all seems breezy and wonderful: "Yeah, we'll take out this part of the wall here, update the counter tops, paint, hardware, we can do all this ourselves in like, what, a week, right?" Then you put a hole in the drywall and you discover the first glimpse of the boot leg wiring from 20 years ago. Needless to say, it became more complicated than we imagined. I threatened to move out 8 months pregnant and cried a lot and there is still drywall dust wafting about, but I am so much happier in the kitchen now - a place I am so tied to both by choice and responsibility.

I can't define our style at all which shows you I have no business posting home stuff, but it's some marriage of industrial, mid century, natural/neutral/clean, with a hint of bohemian. I work and live in the kitchen (Hugh has a teeny tiny office in the garage) and clutter makes me feel anxious, so we tried to keep straight lines, lots of white, and natural tones and textures to make it feel calm. It's sort of tricky to tell in the photos but the kitchen/dining and living area are all open to each other now. While I like this in regards to entertaining and our family feeling together, you need the whole space to make some visual sense together because you can see all three spaces at one time. Does that make sense?  I feel like I am still working on this part.

Hugh's dad is a wonderful and generous man, and a general contractor to boot, so he and Hugh did most of the work themselves, with some help for plumbing, electrical and paint. This helped make it affordable for us in the first place. The picture window above the kitchen table as well as the sink were scrounged from other homes he was working on at the time and repurposed here. I am in major debt to that man and inspired by his servant's heart and how much he wants to help his kids. 

I meant to be sharing this post nearly a year ago, but it turns out that I don't think we'll ever be "finished." We have two young kids and both work from our home so we are here A LOT. How we move and feel in this space changes, so instead of wait until it is *just* how I want it, I figured I would share how far we've come, because the pursuit of perfect is missed joy. It is not perfect or done, but this house is so much more us than it was three years ago.

Included are some before (thanks Zillow!) and after shots for reference. I have included links for some of the goods below. I always enjoy seeing people's personal space - it's amazing how much it reflects their taste and temperament. I'm no decorator, but if you have any questions, leave them in the comments and I'll get back to you 

We worked with Concrete Wave Design to do concrete countertops. Some contractors pour them in place, but Concrete Wave measures and does them off site and then comes and installs. They look amazing and we are so happy with the work (they make fireplaces and neat sink basins too). We were warned against concrete by a few people because it's porous and not the most indestructible of countertop options. But this natural wear and patina was a positive deciding factor for us, over the more perfect looking materials and we love them for that. I would get them again in a heartbeat if we were tearing down our kitchen tomorrow.

We hang out in our kitchen for the most part, but the family room is where our family plays blocks, sits by the fire, watches movies, and Hugh and I read or work on the rare occasion that both kids are asleep at the same time. We had a 15 year-old, hand-me-down couch from my parents that we replaced with a sectional from Interior Define. They are able to customize the lengths of the designs they have to fit perfectly in your space and have a variety of different fabrics that are sturdy and will for sure hold up under the use of our family. I may regret this light of a color with the kids but I just couldn't get past my desire for a light couch in that room to keep it looking bright and airy. 

The hardware, stools and rugs are from Rejuvenation (specific links below). Since we chose this hardware they have added even more awesome options. They are beautiful, sturdy and easy to install. Even if you want to do one small thing to your kitchen, changing the hardware seems to make a big difference. The Skyline rug in the living area worried me with the pink but it blends in so well and adds the perfect amount of color to our pretty neutral palate. The stools at the bar area are sturdy and heavy and feel like they fit in just perfectly. 

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Paint: Dunn Edwards Whisper
Hardware: Rejuvenation
Countertops: Concrete Wave Design
Shelving Brackets: Restoration Hardware
Rugs: Rejuvenation (Skyline (I'm seriously obsessed!) and Woodmere)
Tiles: Cement Tile Shop
Photo: Hugh Forte and Framebridge
Bench: CB2
Stools: West Elm and Rejuvenation
Couch: Interior Define
Lamp: Rejuvenation

Some of these companies are partners in this post by way of product or discounts for pieces we love. We partner with companies whose products we love and trust in quality - food and otherwise. None of this information was paid for or commission based, all opinions are my own.

FOR MY GIRL

Sissy girl,

Years ago, I posted a letter to your brother here, as this place is my memory book of sorts. It was just a few weeks before he came and I had no idea what I, as a mother, would think and feel and love and be challenged by. I keep journals for you both but don't write in them nearly as often as I had hoped and when I do, I feel at a loss for words.

Do I make note of the things you do?

That when you smile on purpose, your gorgeous blue eyes squint shut. That the only word we can coax out of you is "uh oh!" and you exclusively scream and squawk with a glass-breaking pitch when you "talk" to your brother, and come to think of it, he is pretty loud himself so perhaps you perceive that as his language. That when Dad or I can stroke your bare belly you literally freeze and completely zone out, you don't even blink or breathe you are soaking it in so hard. Like a loyal Labrador. That you love berries and take your eggs scrambled, absolutely never hard boiled, will inhale roasted butternut squash but not touch a delicata, and have a strange discernment for water being in your cup too long. It must be fresh. You are not even one yet and you have so many opinions, oi. You are unbelievably cuddly, maybe even more so than your Dad and that's really saying something. You two together just melt me. 

Or is the journal a place for my feelings and emotions - something you may flip back to when you are a young mother yourself? There won't be enough people telling you that it's hard and that that is alright because hard things are also good. That you'll start to look tired, quicker, because you are, but how rich in love you feel sometimes couldn't make you care less. But then other times that exhaustion will make you wish bedtime would just come sooner so you could sit and not be needed. Being a mom is the hardest best thing. I hope you get to experience it - if you want to, of course. 

Surely I'm supposed to make note of your milestones but they start to blend into our everyday life. I can't remember when those teeth came through, but I have scars on my nipple from when you decided to test out their function while breastfeeding like I was a piece of jerky. You're lucky I allowed you back, missy. 

Your brother may have made us parents, but you came and made us feel like a family. You have the lightest spirit of the four of us. I mean, you're 11 months old so hopefully you don't have a lot weighing on your heart but I can just tell. We're born with those sorts of constitutions. Curran is a thinker. He figures things out, needs to be engaged, is a bit of a perfectionist and runs on the moodier/emotional side but you, you are generally just a happy little girl. A complete mess, clingy, you can rage when you want to, but you are so full of joy. I took you to Costco last weekend and you just stood in the cart on top of the apple squeezers box, hanging onto the side and lit up for anyone who would look at you in your adorable romper and big white headband. I want to be as happy as you! People tell me how beautiful you are but it is nothing compared to what I can tell is inside you, my girl.

I made these muffins because I saw how you couldn't palm one into your face fast enough at the coffee shop last weekend. I will disappoint you and make mistakes and yell when I wish I wouldn't but feeding my family, that act of service, is something I hope you see as an extension of my affection for you guys. I already have the cutest little kids apron on standby for when you're ready to mix and stir with me, my girl. I am, we all are, crazy about you. 

WHOLE WHEAT BANANA-CHOCOLATE MUFFINS // Makes 18 muffins
Adapted from The Vanilla Bean Baking Book by Sarah Kieffer

Sarah's book is remarkably tested and full of classic and delicious baking recipes. I wouldn't qualify it in the health sphere per se but her brownies and muffins are perfect and I can't wait to try more when I am looking for classic baked goods. I made a few tweaks here due to only having exactly one cup of whole wheat flour on hand, so I substituted oat flour. Mine look a little flat because of this. C'est la vie. I also added cinnamon because I couldn't help myself but I made the notes to offer you her original in the recipe. Sarah suggests toasted pecans if you like crunch and says that these muffins freeze well if 18 muffins is a lot for you. Sidenote: I've damaged by old muffin tins but have been loving these (pictured) if you're in need of new ones. 

2 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. sea salt
1 tsp. cinnamon (my addition, optional)
3/4 cup olive oil
1 cup buttermilk (or 1 cup coconut milk with 1 Tbsp. fresh lemon juice)
1 cup mashed ripe banana (about 3 small)
1 large egg
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1/2 cup maple syrup
1/4 cup natural cane sugar
1 diced banana
1 cup chocolate chips
turbinado sugar, for sprinkling

Adjust an oven rack to the lower middle position. Preheat the oven to 375'. Place liners or grease your muffin tins. 
Whisk the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon in a large bowl. Make a well in the center.
In a large bowl or liquid measuring cup, whisk the oil, buttermilk, mashed banana, egg, vanilla, maple and sugar until completely combined. Pour the wet ingredients into the well in the dry and stir until almost combined. Fold in the diced banana and chocolate until just incorporated, being careful not to overmix (there will be lumps and the batter will be thin). 
Scoop the batter into the prepared tins, filling the cups about 2/3 full. Sprinkle with turbinado sugar. Bake 15-18 minutes until the edges are golden and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.