THOUGHTS

Without question, this book manuscript has been the most challenging thing I have ever done. Ever.

I remember leaving my old job desperate for a project that would push me and presently, I see my prayers answered about tenfold. I've watched my self, my marriage, and both mine and Hugh's work grow and improve these past ten months. I'm not even out of the woods yet, and I am filled with emotions over what an experience this has been so far.

I've studied dozens of cookbooks, poured over the photography, the writing style, and how they are composed overall. It seemed simple enough, given ample time, to make a collection of how I cook during the week, for friends, and for family on occasion. It's never fancy, typically on the lighter side, produce focused, and now, because of Hugh's influence, a second thought is given to the aesthetics of the plate. At the start, I imagined I would cook and write and just transcribe what I know. Turns out there is more to it. We seem to have learned the hard way - learned by doing, actually. We're currently going back to the first few recipes written and pictures taken and bringing them on par with where we are now (we haven't "figured it out", but the big picture is looking less nebulous than it did in January). Improvement or not, I have to be honest with you lovely people, those of you who have so kindly encouraged me, and convinced me that I AM capable of this. It is extremely difficult to explain a process that is creative and spontaneous for me, and treat it as something concrete and specific. I want to share this with people, but a list of directions seems cold compared to how I feel about simple, wholesome food. This is my art. The books I've admired, and thought I could use as reference, became useless when I realized how personal writing a cookbook is.

When I consider the permanence of print, the self doubt becomes sort of paralyzing. We crave affirmation, and by we I do mean all of us, but females especially. We crave for people to tell us that they like us, that we are good at something. A 'regular' job, if you will, usually consists of someone above you setting a standard and giving direction day in and day out, while you also have others around you with constant feedback. It is really nice to work at home is stretchy yoga pants, but I miss that. Maybe I love the braised white bean recipe in the book, but what if other people don't like them? Gasp! Then what?? Hugh assured me this is the demon of a creative person (something I actually never considered myself, to be honest), that we set a high standard, a great expectation for our work, but the means to reach or even exceed that standard is always a challenge. I must rest in the fact that it is simply not possible to please everyone. It's not possible to make a book full of recipes that everyone will like and that is going to be alright. I knew going into this that the project was bigger than what I felt capable of, and I still feel that way, but participating would be the only way I would grow. I wanted to be pushed, but that doesn't mean I have not had a considerable amount of breakdowns.

I'm about a week away from turning in a gigantic word document and already feel the weight of responsibility lifting from me. Not in the sense that it is being passed to someone else, but that I know I have done my best and at this point, my art is making its way out there.

These are not thoughts of complaint, believe me, I am grateful. I am merely trying to write the fear out of my head.

Ah. Deep breaths.

I don't have a recipe for you, seriously, I can not talk about food for awhile, but I wanted to include just a few pictures from my phone of the mess and process we've been up to. Sidenote, that baby is not ours, she is our niece, and we are trying to kidnap her.

SEATTLE.

There is something that stirs in me as soon as I get off of a plane. It is a relief.

Weeks pass and the weight of everyday life builds up - the deadlines, cleaning, relationships, creative pressure, social planning and what not. I mull around in my own angst, which makes the world seem small. I lay awake at night worried that I am fresh out of ideas for the book - what vegetable have I not exhausted in my recipe writing yet? I needed this trip to get out of my own head. I needed to leave and to be reminded that this world is actually huge, that there is SO much out there, so many stories and things to try. I sat on the lightrail of Seattle en route to our hotel, just staring at all the people waiting to go somewhere and I wondered what they were worried about. We're all going to be alright... is it weird that I wanted to yell that out the window? For them and for me. Despite the amount of cheese and sugar I consumed in the past four days, my mind feels healthier.

I was thrilled to finally meet some friends I had, so far, only admired from my corner of the internet. We've exchanged emails and blog comments, but I got the chance to look at them in the face. It's strange how you feel like you know someone from behind a web address or twitter avatar, isn't it? Truth is, if they do it well and honestly, you pretty much do. Genuine people are easy to spot and a pleasure to know.

We spent our days with eating, walking, drinking coffee, and seeing friends on repeat. I just wanted to pop in here with a few words and a couple photos (Hugh didn't take many, he was busy eating), and assure you that after weeks of being burnt out of cooking in general, I feel more excited about being back in the kitchen. I'll bring you food next week, but 'til then, I think you should start planning a trip. Somewhere.

Anywhere.

A BIRTHDAY CAKE.

My personality falls somewhere around type A-. I like order, organization, a moderate routine and things done right, but only to a certain extent. My bed is made before I leave my room in the morning, I could tell you every item in my fridge and in what order I need to use said items to not waste any food, I give copies of my travel documents to my parents before I leave the country, I have never run out of gas, missed an appointment or been late on a payment. On the contrary, I have a terrible habit of not always putting on my seatbelt and exceeding the speed limit. I've been known to go days without drinking water. I choose which rules do and do not apply to me, hate reading or listening to directions and am a terrible measurer (which makes writing a cookbook sort of interesting).

I have been wanting to make a layer cake for quite some time, it even made my list of 'things to do before I turn 30', so I set out to cross that off my list while I still have a few years to perfect the goal. My discretion in baking, as it is more about perfection, is typically off (see paragraph 1). It is not a science I am invested in. I did however want this cake to be my own, so I flipped through numerous books comparing ratios of liquid to dry to cocoa, to make sure that with my expectations and friends coming over to celebrate my birthday, it would at least hold itself together. I tried to lighten it up as much as I could, but I didn't want to take too many risks - a layer cake is kind of an investment, not the time to get hard pressed on caloric content. So I gladly spent my birthday afternoon, in the kitchen, measuring and taking careful note of my baking project. I settled right in to that A- spot, allowing myself freedom with ingredients while conceding to the ratio I'd studied.

Myself and the blog share the same birthday, so as fun as it's been celebrating with my sweet husband, family and friends, I am also so grateful that you are here. This space is responsible for creativity, encouragement and new friendships for me, and the community continues to amaze me. You are wonderful people. Thank you. I wish I could share cake with you.

COCOA LAYER CAKE WITH BLACKBERRIES + MASCARPONE CREAM

Makes one 9'' Layer Cake

You can make the pastry cream a day or two in advance to get ahead. I frosted my cake about three hours before I served it and it held just fine in the fridge. If I were to guess, I'd say it would be fine in there for about 6-8 and keeping the integrity of the whipped cream. I am a big fan of muscavado as a natural cane sugar, but light brown sugar is a fine alternative.

Lastly, this cake is on the dense side. The batter is pretty thick and it doesn't cook for long. The filling and whipped cream balance this out, but if you like a more moist cake, swap in oil for the butter. I haven't tested this, but it's worth a shot.

Pastry Cream

1/2 Cup Heavy Cream

1/2 Cup Lowfat Milk

1 Vanilla Bean (or 2 tsp. Vanilla Extract)

4 Egg Yolks

1/4 Cup Natural Cane Sugar

2 Tbsp. Whole Wheat Pastry Flour

2 Tbsp. Unsalted Butter

Pinch of Salt

Cocoa Cake

1/2 Cup Muscavado Sugar

1/2 Cup Butter, room temperature

2 Eggs, lightly beaten

1/2 Cup Agave Nectar

1 1/4 Cup Lowfat Buttermilk

2 tsp. Vanilla Extract

1 Cup Whole Wheat Pastry Flour

1 Cup Unbleached Cake Flour

1/3 Cup Non Alkalized Cocoa Powder

3/4 tsp. Baking Soda

1 tsp. Sea Salt

3 oz. Good Quality Chocolate, chopped well (milk or dark, your choice)

1/3 Cup Blackberry Preserves (I used Bonne Maman)

Mascarpone Whipping Cream

1 Pint / 2 Cups Whipping Cream

1 tsp. Vanilla Extract

1/2 Cup Confectioners Sugar

1/4 Cup Muscavado

Pinch of Salt

8 oz. / 1 Cup Mascarpone Cheese

Handful of Fresh Blackberries

1. To make the pastry cream, heat the milk, cream and vanilla bean in a saucepan until just boiling at the edges. Turn off the heat and let it steep for 10 minutes. Open up the vanilla bean and scrap the seeds into the milk. Whisk the yolks and sugar together in another bowl. While whisking, add a bit of warm cream to the yolk mixture to warm it up, add another half cup, continuing to whisk. Now that everything is the same temperature, add the warm yolk mix to the saucepan. When the mixture starts to simmer, add the flour 1 Tbsp. at a time, while whisking, like you're making a bechamel. It'll take about 30 seconds and you'll see it start to thicken, once it looks like the consistency of sour cream, turn off the heat, and continue to stir a few more times to make sure everything is smooth. Stir in the butter and salt. Let it cool and transfer to the fridge while you prepare the cake.

2. Preheat the oven to 350'. Butter two, 9'' cake pans. Line the bottom with parchment for cake removal insurance, and rub a bit of butter on that as well, set aside.

For the cake, cream the butter and sugar together until light and fluffy, about two minutes. Add the eggs, agave and buttermilk and mix until evenly combined. In another large mixing bowl, sift all of the dry ingredients together, getting rid of any clumps. Add half the wet mixture to the dry, stirring gently, add the remaining wet mixture and stir to just combine. Stir in the chocolate and divide the mix between the two cake pans. Bake on the middle rack for 14-16 minutes. Check for doneness by sticking a butter knife in the center, being sure it comes out clean. Remove and cool completely.

3. Once the cake is completely cooled, invert it out of the pan and remove the parchment. Place one layer, with it's most even side up, on the plate or stand you'll serve it on. I like to slide a few pieces of parchment around the outside to keep it clean. Spread the pasty cream all across the top surface (you'll think it's a lot, but add it all, the cake absorbs it while it sits, it's not as thick as you think). Gently spread the preserves on top of the cream, it will mix in a bit and that is fine. Place the other cake on top, pushing in any filling that smushed out.

4. Whip the cold whipping cream with an electric or stand mixer, once it starts to hold shape, add the confectioners sugar, muscavado, vanilla and a pinch of salt. When you get stiff peaks, about 3 minutes, add the mascarpone and continue to whip until evenly combined. Frost the cake generously and garnish with fresh blackberries. Cake can be kept in the fridge for about 6 hours. If it chills in teh fridge, let it sit at room temperature for about 30 minutes before you cut in to it. Cold cake isn't as flavorful.

* I piled all the frosting on top and gently pushed it down the sides to frost.